;spilled.

Have y’all ever cried over spilled weed ??? LMAOOOO . Mmhf. This morning it happened to me for the first time , out of my jar I swore would never do that to me – CTFU & smfh . It said IGHT BET /bloop/ .

Right so company was over and dude was like “where’s the bong?” & i’m like in my room , one sec – when i walked out with my “tray of drugs” with the container filled with weed , the bong with water in it , my head medicine , a mini ashtray , lighter , & a pack of newport red 100s full flavors sitting on it & i guess i was moving too quickly & the diamond container that i put my broken down green in , falls & hits the ground , opening up and the very last bit of my weed for the rest of the week fell to the living room carpet floor . Not only did that fall but the bong that was filled with bong water also decided to fall (keep in mind by the time all of these things was falling off my tray , I’ve stopped moving & was standing still and all these things was just moving forward from me…) Yeah . Mhm . I don’t even know how a normal person or another stoner would act if that happened to them but when it came to me – I fell to the ground on my knee’s helping my mother pick most of it up off the carpet to put it back into the same container it fell out because for some reason we just decided to let ourselves subconsciously agree that it’s okay to trust that this won’t happen again in the future (Maybe I’m wrong – I hope I am) ; Crying . LOL . Yup , I was having a nervous breakdown in front of company (Only 1 person who knew me since childhood so nbd) because I didn’t have the funds (I thought) to purchase anymore until the end of the week on Friday , and I just fucked myself up with dropping it all over the place . He’s over there chuckling & telling me “Stop crying ! Gonna be okay~” & I’m like “NO IDONTGOTMONEYTOBUYANYMOREFORRESTOFTHEWEEKEEWFNEKFJEN” having a midlife crisis at 22 over weed . & It ain’t the marijuana that makes me act that way so don’t be talkin bout “see look what pot does to her” because my reaction is from a underlying mental problem LOL okay ? The good news is we was able to pick a lot of it back up and place it back into the diamond container , and I gathered the pieces of pot off of nubs I had in my gold antique box and whatever was left over on my tray itself . We smoked it . 5 second rule even if it comes to weed . In between time I went to my family friend’s house and matched him some of the little bit I had in a bowl to his bomb ass green , that good good . When it was time to go home , my boyfriend had also came home from work & mom already told him what happened today so when I tried telling him the story he said “Yeah I heard~ here why don’t you get some more?” I asked why , & he goes “Because you without weed for 3 days? Pfft!” . Sigh . You aint wrong , boo .

/i do not own the featured image/

What is Inside Her Head?

This will be counted as also my personal disclaimer on behalf of my blog .

Usually , you see mental awareness blogs that are full of positive advice , inspirational quotes , articles on how you can be a better person , ect . This isn’t to throw dirt on those blogs , I love them & they are very helpful to me; but I wanted to make it clear that this isn’t that kind of mental awareness blog . I’m pointing out that this specific blog will take you inside of the mind of one female adult who’s in her early 20’s with mental illnesses diagnosed by her therapist(s) and doctors of Severe Depressive Disorder (SDD) , Generalized Anxiety Disorder (GAD) , & Body Dysphoric Disorder (BDD) . You ever wanted to understand what it means to have these illnesses? Maybe your child or family member has a disorder that you can’t handle nor completely understand? No , you won’t get all the answers . But you’ll have a very distinctive taste of what happens inside of one’s psyche with these chemical imbalance’s in the brain , you’ll have a clear few of how we think & how our minds are something very interesting to make awareness to others for . You might think what we say makes sense . You might find yourself in my words . You may find someone else in them . You’ll just know – have the knowledge that either your inner self or family member has been (metaphorically speaking) screaming at you for the past 6 months to please understand them and you couldn’t , until now .

Take what you read & learn , teach yourself how to be more compassionate and understanding for your kids , for your family , and most importantly for yourself .

Short Term Description: Woman in her early 20’s with SDD, GAD, & BDD rambling the things inside of her head onto her keyboard into a diary aka blog just for fun & for release of caged thoughts .

Glow.

I know that I’ll be a guidance counselor in 5yrs with my masters degree then a Professional Psychologist in 10yrs with my Ph.D. But right now I’m enjoying everyday doing GREAT in my GED classes, starting my extra online tutoring for my weak points, and plan to become a student worker for DACC while doing a odd job (house cleaning) for some extra money out of school REAL soon. I started my life at 22 years old after fucking around since I was 13. But thats okay, sometimes people aren’t ready to get their shit together at 18 or even 16, and not everyone has their shit together in their 20s but my dad told me as long as you’re trying you’re not losing. I have a healthy happy relationship with a wonderful hard working man for 4+yrs that I have grown with since childhood, a pet cat we take care of like its our own child, and a apartment getting redone currently that we will have the keys to when its finished. I spent years feeling like a piece of shit bum ass bitch, but I’m here to tell you as a person with no special connections, came from a poor family, and is on head medicine for various forms of anxiety & depression for over 3yrs, that anything is possible, that negative voice in your head is lying too you, people care about you, and you have the power and control of your life in the palm of your hands.

Today my mother told me she was proud of me. Finally, at 22 years old after being the disappointment of the family, the drop out, the disrespectful hateful girl, the pothead, and the one that showed zero interests in doing squat with myself – I finally achieved my goal of putting a smile on my parents faces with achievements and effort and making my mom proud of me.

Bitch, I’m FLOURISHING.

Gov. Theory | Cancer | Short-Story

Kristan Marzynski: i mean , this can’t be right . it’s literally just listing off essentials people need when they move into a place . how can just about everything handmade give you cancer now . I have a theory that the government puts cancer inside of all this shit while it’s being made in a factory , somehow , because there is a cure for cancer just hasn’t been released to the public; old news . – so if they continue to give out the cancer to shit people use everyday , they’ll make more money because when the people get cancer from whatever the fuck it is nowaways , obvi they will be admitted to the hospital which means more $$$ in their pockets . This isn’t facts tho , just a theory . Lol . Hmmm .

scrambled | my first entry

I have so many topics I want to talk about right now on this post , my head is running at 100mph with multiple things that I could rant on about for absolutely no reason is rippling through like a huge book full of my opinions just opened up and the pages started flipping through and it doesn’t stop until the pause – then that’s when I’m backspacing . I’ve already backspaced a entire paragraph 3 times now . Mostly because I had more info/shit to type on another topic rather than the one prior . Then my mind goes blank like every thought is paused but floating gently on a black sea of water that’s flowing softly on pieces of paper from my book of O’s (book of opinions) . This isn’t even going to be post publicly , I’m either going to figure out how to make this a fb draft post or literally create a Tumblr blog or a WordPress account and post this there then put the link to the blog on my profile and on a post when overall I didn’t have to do any of that but I felt like I needed to because if I just post it on Facebook everyone will think I’m on drugs or I’m losing my shit . What’s the difference if they’re reading it on Facebook or Tumblr or WordPress ? I don’t know , but there is just some difference I can’t elaborate frankly . Maybe it’s because if I have it in a link on a post then maybe not everyone will see it because majority will ignore it , only 2% of people on my friend’s list will probably read my blog posts and those are the one’s that never mattered because maybe they are just randoms instead of locals . If I post it as a fb post , when people scroll they’ll just see it right there in their face and probably will be so confused as they read it but not able to stop reading this . Then the negatives ascend or maybe it’s my anxiety talking – all of this is.. – this is like a full paper on what anxiety sounds like .